obsession or compulsion: you decide

It wasn't until I was over 21 that I realized countless times during my life up to that point I had exhibited symptoms of obsessive/compulsiveness. I have not been formally diagnosed, nor do I feel I should bother seeking a diagnosis- what good would it do? Oh, ok, so now you're telling me it's 'official'? Big deal.

Though it took my a long time to realize it and recognize it in myself, I'm pretty 'self-aware' by this point. Here are a few silly but hopefully amusing examples;

I remember arriving in italy and seeing all the nifty clothing everyone wore- i've been told italy is 'a few years ahead' of the US in terms of fashion and trends, so all the fancy frocks made me drool (figuratively). One night we were teaching english class (one of our many finding methods) and one guy was interested so my comp went full bore into the discussions- he was super excited to have a rare chance to actually teach, and I, being green and having a poor grasp of the language, quickly lost track and couldn't pay attention further. I noticed he was wearing some neato shoes and my obsession kicked in (i didn't realize it at the time)

I sat there thinking over and over "Man, I've got to get me some of those shoes...but how?" "Dang, I've REALLY got to get me some neato italian clothes while I'm here" I got stuck on the need to obtain italian clothes- it beame an absolute NEED right then, though I had about 19 months in which to figure it out, it consumed me- of course, when we went home that night I forgot about it enough to make my brain walk home, get ready for bed, etc, but as soon as the lights went out, my little brain said "Ah, goody! now i can sit and think/scheme about this for hours without interruption"

For days it's all I could think about- I literally had to sit down and write it on a piece of paper that I would save up extra money and buy some- then and only then did the obsession subside. I have since learned that writing it down will make it sort of go away, as though writing it down means it is GOING to happen. It's weird, but it also has been useful if I can channel it properly.

We've begun remodeling the laundry and when I get careless my mind will wander off on all the little things that are to be done, like "I better get the right kind of caulk for those windows" and if I don't force myself i can think about the stupid caulk all day.

Then when Saturday rolls around I purposefully allow the obsession to take over, and I'll spend all day in there and forget to eat- I've learned to let it become a nearly unlimited energy source when occasion requires. The past 2 saturday's in a row i woke up before 6AM did my usual 5k morning jog, then enjoyed every waking second of "gettin er' done" in the laundry with saws, and torches and all sorts of exciting stuff. I would've loved to keep going but it grew to late to make noise that the neighbors could hear.

This same inane drive is how I manage to religiously stick to routine once I decide I'm going to do it. This is what makes me awake at 6am (usually earlier- my brain is a good clock somehow) and run outside through the muck and snow. One time I thought "I'd better not, it's snowing", and I was so bugged all day, just like I was with the italian clothes...I could NOT get the though out of my mind until 6am the next day when I awoke and put on the running shoes.

Some people may call this a 'problem', but for me it's all about awareness- now that I'm aware of what's happening, I make it work for me. I don't remember realizing it 'all-of-the-sudden', but i'd say it came clear to me around age 25. Since then I've looked back on memories and now recognize what was happening and smile.

I have seen here and there some tiny evidence of the same traits in Salem, and wonder if they'll manifest in any degree. If so, I'll be able to explain it to him- if not it will surely be one of those things he'll groan and roll his eyes at as he grows up, then hopefully learn to find endearing after he is grown.


p.s. for those who didn't already know i did accomplish the 'goal' of saving and buying clothes. $700 worth all in one grand shopping spree P day (about the equivalent of working all saturday in the laundry until my whole body ached and forgetting to eat, but loving every second)