obsession or compulsion: you decide

It wasn't until I was over 21 that I realized countless times during my life up to that point I had exhibited symptoms of obsessive/compulsiveness. I have not been formally diagnosed, nor do I feel I should bother seeking a diagnosis- what good would it do? Oh, ok, so now you're telling me it's 'official'? Big deal.

Though it took my a long time to realize it and recognize it in myself, I'm pretty 'self-aware' by this point. Here are a few silly but hopefully amusing examples;

I remember arriving in italy and seeing all the nifty clothing everyone wore- i've been told italy is 'a few years ahead' of the US in terms of fashion and trends, so all the fancy frocks made me drool (figuratively). One night we were teaching english class (one of our many finding methods) and one guy was interested so my comp went full bore into the discussions- he was super excited to have a rare chance to actually teach, and I, being green and having a poor grasp of the language, quickly lost track and couldn't pay attention further. I noticed he was wearing some neato shoes and my obsession kicked in (i didn't realize it at the time)

I sat there thinking over and over "Man, I've got to get me some of those shoes...but how?" "Dang, I've REALLY got to get me some neato italian clothes while I'm here" I got stuck on the need to obtain italian clothes- it beame an absolute NEED right then, though I had about 19 months in which to figure it out, it consumed me- of course, when we went home that night I forgot about it enough to make my brain walk home, get ready for bed, etc, but as soon as the lights went out, my little brain said "Ah, goody! now i can sit and think/scheme about this for hours without interruption"

For days it's all I could think about- I literally had to sit down and write it on a piece of paper that I would save up extra money and buy some- then and only then did the obsession subside. I have since learned that writing it down will make it sort of go away, as though writing it down means it is GOING to happen. It's weird, but it also has been useful if I can channel it properly.

We've begun remodeling the laundry and when I get careless my mind will wander off on all the little things that are to be done, like "I better get the right kind of caulk for those windows" and if I don't force myself i can think about the stupid caulk all day.

Then when Saturday rolls around I purposefully allow the obsession to take over, and I'll spend all day in there and forget to eat- I've learned to let it become a nearly unlimited energy source when occasion requires. The past 2 saturday's in a row i woke up before 6AM did my usual 5k morning jog, then enjoyed every waking second of "gettin er' done" in the laundry with saws, and torches and all sorts of exciting stuff. I would've loved to keep going but it grew to late to make noise that the neighbors could hear.

This same inane drive is how I manage to religiously stick to routine once I decide I'm going to do it. This is what makes me awake at 6am (usually earlier- my brain is a good clock somehow) and run outside through the muck and snow. One time I thought "I'd better not, it's snowing", and I was so bugged all day, just like I was with the italian clothes...I could NOT get the though out of my mind until 6am the next day when I awoke and put on the running shoes.

Some people may call this a 'problem', but for me it's all about awareness- now that I'm aware of what's happening, I make it work for me. I don't remember realizing it 'all-of-the-sudden', but i'd say it came clear to me around age 25. Since then I've looked back on memories and now recognize what was happening and smile.

I have seen here and there some tiny evidence of the same traits in Salem, and wonder if they'll manifest in any degree. If so, I'll be able to explain it to him- if not it will surely be one of those things he'll groan and roll his eyes at as he grows up, then hopefully learn to find endearing after he is grown.


p.s. for those who didn't already know i did accomplish the 'goal' of saving and buying clothes. $700 worth all in one grand shopping spree P day (about the equivalent of working all saturday in the laundry until my whole body ached and forgetting to eat, but loving every second)

They keep coming

Back in February, the guy who originally interviewed and hired me at Datamark (Kirk) announced he was leaving the company, and had a new position at Stevens Henager College doing the same work directly for the school.

It seemed strange that the man who was always there, without whom Datamark just wouldn't be Datamark as I knew it, was leaving.

I distinctly remember talking to him about it, then as I was walking back to my desk I thought to myself "I need to connect with Kirk ok LinkedIn and Facebook so I can reach out to him if I find myself not working at Datamark anymore"

I got back to the desk and promptly sent him the invites for those two networks- to which he accepted that same day. It was only a few weeks later that Ezril was born and I was laid off. Immediately I began to think of those in the industry I could call upon for a favor, and Kirk was one of them. You may be thinking "Darrell called up Kirk, and Kirk hired him" Nope.

I did email him and asked about openings. He said there were none, but he'd let me know if any came up. Meanwhile, I had been scouring all job postings in existence and applying for nearly everything remotely within my ability and desire.

As I have previsouly written, when I got a call for an interview, I was told it was CollegeAmerica, who owned Independence University, California College of San Diego, and Stevens Henager College. I then, said, "Oh, I have a friend who works for SHC- do you know Kirk?" The man said "Yes, he's in the office next door".

When I came in for the interview, I stopped in to speak to Kirk, and we indulged in a bit of trash talking regarding our former employer with lines such as "What's the deal with Datamark, are they ever going to settle down?", etc.

I left feeling good that Kirk would talk to his peers who were doing the hiring, and 'put in a good word for me'.

I have no doubt that he did, because he repeatedly told me- "I think you'd be a really good fit here, and you'd like it". Very interesting how it all works out. Our company also just hired another friend of mine with whom I worked at Datamark who was also laid off, and there are a few others in the running for yet another position about to be filled.

Ex-Datamark Employees....they keep coming.

the store next door

The office two doors down is a 'smoke shop'- they sell only tobacco products and/or tobacco paraphernalia. Their entrance is approximately 10 feet from mine and the wall where the doors are is made up entirely of windows.

I notice people coming and going to and from the smoke shop and find it interesting that there is a specific type of person who frequents said establishment. I try hard not to be judgmental or look down on these people, but I have noticed that the common theme with all of them is that they all seem to;

• Arrive in rusty, broken cars
• Have a sad face- they genuinely appear miserable
• Be in a rush- I see cars drive up, the passenger exits, scurries in, scurries out in a few seconds, then off they go

Once again, I don't mean to judge, but it just makes me a bit sad when I see these people who appear to be addicted, and therefore slaves- unable to make the choice of whether or not to spend all that money on a product, then light it on fire and burn it up.

I guess I'd be depressed too- I'm sure they know it is not good for them, and perhaps their sad faces reflect the sadness of spending the money on harming themselves.

I have heard that it is one of the hardest things a person will ever do to quit smoking- my respect to all who have done so.

I'm grateful to be free from such a difficulty in my life- no disrespect meant for anyone with whom this may have struck a nerve.

technology for granted

The first time I can remember hearing the term 'email address' was about 7 months into my mission. My companion tried to explain it to me but I've never been an early adopter of new technologies. He set up the account for me at a member's house, and I remember him sitting there on a screen typing and clicking away while I had no idea what he was doing.

Turns out all he was doing was setting up a hotmail account, which now seems silly that I was so unable to comprehend. I sent a few messages to friends/family at home while there but it just seemed like some sort of gimmick or game. I didn't realize how or why it would be a valuable thing.

I met a lot of people who became very dear to me, and at the time (1998) it just never occurred to me to exchange email addresses when I left the area- it just wasn't done. I remember leaving Malta and saying "see you in the Spirit World" to everyone. I figured I wouldn't be making any international calls.

Now that email and social networks are so ubiquitous, I've been stumbling into my long lost friends from Italy and Malta. I 'speak' regularly with Mr. Salvo Mina' of Palermo Sicily via IM (instant messaging). In fact we even connected the microphone and webcam and had a bona-fide conversation a few times- we would more, but I really can't do that while at work.

By the time I found him online a few months ago, I was so used to emailing, IMing, etc, that it didn't seem like a big deal to send an email to friends around town, but suddenly when I was actually talking with friends who are so dear to me who are so FAR away I was amazed at the miracle of it all.

I fear many of us take things like that for granted, and I hope I will appreciate it myself. I now have regular talks with friends in Malta, Italy, and Switzerland. I guess this is normal, but for me it isn't- remember I thought I'd never see or hear from again.

As I'm typing this, I am also 'chatting' with Salvo in IM- it's still amazing to me. In fact, now that I think of it, without an internet connection I'd not know what to do with myself.

Re: Malta pictures

I just remembered that The Count of Monte Cristo was filmed in Malta, which movie displays the lead characters walking around on streets where I tracted.

How's that for bragging?

malta pictures

As I suppose do all peoples who've gone and returned from a mission, once in a while I feel like talking to the people I met, or looking at photos of the places I knew in order to relive the fun times that are gone- it's kind of a homesickness feeling, but it's a good feeling.

Once in a while I check out www.flickr.com for pics of my favorite places- and am always eager to show everyone such a neat place.

I've put a collection together so you can get a glimpse of the beauty of Malta- mind you, I didn't take these actual photos, but I did take the exact shots, I just found better quality versions online that show it much better;

http://www.flickr.com/photos/10771043@N00/sets/72157594260287723/show/

a "data analyst"

The first job I had when I returned from the mission was collector at Discover Card. Although a great company to work for, the actual work caused me to experience feelings of dread in both my basement and attic (and everywhere else).

A few points of the job:

• Shift started at 6:00 AM daily (I had to arrive, turn on the computer with headset on by 5:59:59 AM or the boss was upset
• I was 'on the phone' (literally tied and bound to the desk)
• I worked Saturdays (6AM still)
  
• I heard the same thing over and over and over all day every day
• I said the same thing over and over and over all day every day
• The people I spoke to frequently yelled and insulted me

My current job is a few things that make it extra exciting; I have finally gotten closure on ALL the things which made the job at discover lame and I feel totally vindicated, and every second of the day makes it funner and funner because I somehow feel like I'm sticking it to them (discover).

Now, I was free from these things at my last job, but the fact that I'm at a call center is what makes it so empowering; (I can't decided which of these I like best)

• I am in a call center, just like I was at Discover, but I am not tied to the desk. I am free to get up, come and go as I please, etc.
• I set my schedule as I please. Banker's hours; 9AMish to 5:30PMish
• No saturdays
• I am able to do what my brain craves; examine, scrutinize and mull over oceans of minutia in order to extract and extrapolate meaning- every day I am able to innovate new and better ways- this is actually fun for me
• I sit right next to all the 'phone reps' and smile broadly when I hear them say the same things over and over again, and complain about all the same things I used to with my fellow phone reps
• When I arrive there are people there jabbering away on the phones, when I leave they're still there
• I love when people ask me what I do (since I'm new) and I say "I'm an analyst"- I have no idea what they're thinking but it's fun to imagine they're thinking what I would've thought while still a phone rep and had met an 'analyst', which is this: "Dang! I wish I could do that!"

Some other fun facts about the new position;

• I drive to and from work during 'rush hour' but I'm going the direction the hosts of israel are not- (I don't have any traffic to deal with)
• My parking lot is the same parking lot as Smith's grocery store, 2 gas stations, and a shop owned by seemingly two married older Vietnamese people who appear to be cosmetologists and tailors. I went there today for the heck of it and they treated me like I was the arch-duke of some locality-great customer service
• So if I need groceries, gas, and/or my pants hemmed, I don't have to go anyplace

Did I mention that I really really really like this position?

new job

2 days after Ezril was born I received a call from my boss. The gist of the call was that the company wasn't meeting its goals, and couldn't afford to employ me any longer. Needless to say it was quite a shock, yet it was not surprising given the climate of the company for which I was working at the time.

My 8 days in a row of vacation was cut short and I found that although I had planned to do nothing, I could no longer relax and enjoy doing it.

I began to tap into all connections and see if anyone I knew had any prospects. I have many contacts for outside companies in the same industry, but not one of them had anything. I wasn't surprised given the other companies experiencing similar layoffs.

I continued to apply for any opening which remotely matched my skills and experience, and polished up my resume, etc.

Exactly two weeks after the layoff call I got a call from CollegeAmerica Services Inc. about my application for the analyst position. The man on the phone asked if I could meet him in an hour for an interview. My hands were covered with glue, and I had fiberglass and dust ALL over me (remodel work), but I of course said 'yes' immediately.

I interviewed with two people and we talked about the job and the industry. I've been working in the exact same thing so I could 'speak their language' which is a very specific, convoluted one.

A few days later the interviewer emailed and said since he didn't know how to judge my analytical/reporting skills by talking to me, he asked if I could provide an example of my work.
I was able to procure a huge report that I built from scratch with lots of boring data to send him- I felt like the report was quite impressive and got my hopes up.

Exactly 3 weeks after I got the layoff call, I got the "you're hired" call. He asked, "Can you start tomorrow?" I felt that only a mump would say no, so of course I got my little self shaved and cleaned up, and was there bright and early.

I've been here a week and so far it is fantastic. I'm getting my bearings and all signs point to this being much, much, much more enjoyable than my previous job, which was satisfactory, if not stressful at best.

March saw a lot of huge changes in life, and the dust seems to be settling. From my current vantage point it seems the Lord decided; "You're not all that happy doing this- time to change" and He had everything all lined up for me- everything 'fell into place'.

why not?

My wife recently told me to stop passing out the address to her blog to the general public. Her words "get your own blog" hit me like water to a duck's back. Then, later, my father was telling me about reading his mother's letters, and how wonderful it was to have them, thus the pang of guilt once again surfaced about my not keeping any sort of written journal since my mission, so I think I'll start writing it here- might as well somewhere.

I'm pretty sure I'll be typing these entries when I'm in my "I don't care about grammar or punctuation mood", since that mood always accompanies the "I feel like writing this" mood, and the latter cannot exist without the former.